When Love Is Fear in Disguise: A reflection on the difference between real love and the fear that tries to masquerade as it

Kid Sailing

"You were not born to live small to make someone else feel safe. You were born to shine." — Bonnie Strati

We often speak of love as a force that heals, expands, and transforms. And it can be — when it’s rooted in truth. But sometimes, what we call love isn’t really love at all. It’s fear. Dressed up. Spoken sweetly. Wrapped in attachment. And too often, it’s what quietly holds us back from becoming who we’re meant to be.

If you've ever felt the ache of being subtly silenced, dimmed, or held in place by someone who says they love you — you're not imagining it. That quiet tension between who you’re becoming and who someone needs you to stay? That’s real. And it hurts.

Because what do you do when love feels like it has conditions? When your growth becomes a threat, not a celebration? When instead of feeling seen, you feel like you’re slowly disappearing?

Flower in a Jar

The Roots of Fear-Based Love

Here’s what I’ve come to understand — through my own healing journey and in working with others:

When someone’s fears or insecurities cause them to limit the person they love, it’s rarely out of malice. More often, it stems from unhealed wounds — fear of abandonment, not being enough, or losing control. That fear gets projected outward, becoming an unconscious attempt to hold on.

But here’s the paradox: In trying to protect the relationship, they often create the very outcome they fear — distance, disconnection, and heartbreak.

We long for love to be a sanctuary — a safe space to land. But when fear is in the driver’s seat, love becomes a contract:

• “I’ll love you, but only if you don’t grow beyond me.”

• “I’ll stay close, as long as you don’t change too much.”

• “If your light gets too bright, I’ll dim it to protect my own shadows.”

That’s not love. That’s control. That’s fear in disguise.

Two Hands Holding

Real Love vs. Conditional Attachment

True, grounded love doesn’t shrink when you expand. It doesn’t punish your becoming. It evolves with you. It says:

"I want you to become everything you’re meant to be — even if that scares me. Even if I don’t fully understand it yet. Even if it changes us."

Real love knows that growth is not a threat — it’s the nature of life. It trusts that if each person is living from their soul’s truth, what’s meant to last will. And if it doesn’t? Then it was a chapter, not the whole story. A lesson, not your forever.

Fear-based love, on the other hand, resists change. It wants things to stay familiar. It romanticizes the past and fears the future. It builds a cage and calls it care.

But you, my friend, were not born to live in a cage — not even one lined with someone else’s good intentions.

Sunlight in a Forest

When You Begin to Grow

Growth can be unsettling — not just for you, but for those who knew you before. When you begin to heal, awaken, and reclaim your voice, your light becomes a mirror. Your power becomes a challenge. Your truth becomes a disruption to the old dynamics.

And you may feel guilt. You may be called selfish, too much, too sensitive, too ambitious.

But here’s the truth: You’re not “too” anything. You’re just becoming you.

“You are not here to fit inside someone else’s comfort zone. You are here to rise into your fullness.”

Someone who truly loves you will cheer for your growth — even if it changes the relationship. They will adjust. They’ll rise with you. Or, if they cannot, they will gently release you — with love, not punishment.

Because real love never punishes growth.

Bird Cage

When It’s Not Love

If it’s not love, it clings. It controls. It contracts. It suffocates.

It becomes more about possession than partnership. More about managing fear than honoring truth.

“Stay small so I don’t have to face what I’m afraid to become.”

But real love? It breathes. It blesses. It believes in the version of you that hasn’t fully arrived yet.

Pathway

When You Love Someone Who Isn’t Ready

Sometimes you are the one holding on — hoping they’ll change, catch up, or finally see you. And that’s human. But love doesn’t mean waiting forever. It doesn’t mean shrinking while someone else grows at their own pace.

You can honor your love for them and still choose yourself. You can bless the connection — and still walk forward.

Because staying small for someone else’s comfort is too high a price for your soul to pay.

Barefoot on the Beach

💫 You Deserve a Love That Lets You Fly

If someone says they love you but constantly asks you to be less — less visible, less expressive, less powerful — they may not know how to love you in your fullness.

And that’s not a reflection of your worth. It’s a reflection of their fear.

So here’s your permission slip:

• Choose love that lifts instead of limits.

• Choose relationships that let you rise.

• Let go of the belief that you are too much — maybe they were just not ready for your light.

Key in Hand

Final Thoughts

Love is not supposed to feel like a cage. It’s meant to feel like home — even when that home expands and shifts. If the love you’re in won’t let you grow, it’s not love. It’s fear in disguise.

And you were never meant to live in fear. You were born to shine.

✨ Reflect + Release

Take a few moments and write freely on the following prompts. No judgment — just honesty.

• In what ways have I held myself back to preserve someone else’s comfort?

• What would it feel like to be loved in a way that fully supports my evolution?

• Am I choosing love that uplifts, or love that limits?

“You are worthy of a love that expands with you, not one that asks you to stay the same.”

You deserve a love — and a life — that expands with you.

If you’re feeling stuck in fear-based patterns or relationships that dim your light, I’d be honored to support your healing and transformation.

📩 Contact me at bonnie@bonniestrati.com to learn more about my 1:1 coaching containers.